You Can't Scream and Vomit at the Same Time
by CellPhonesAreMagic
Summary: COMPLETED! This humorous story will teach you things you never knew about the wizarding world. Very silly and random. Remember: you really CAN'T scream and vomit at the same time!
1. Chapter 1

**Authors' Extremely Important Note of Importancy:** This is a story that we, Mariela and Melissa (view profile for more info), made up through various emails to each other over the course of a few days. It was planned to never be seen by anyone else, but obviously, thathas all been changed. We havecurrently written over nine chapters, and will be putting up one chapter a day... or every few days. We do not own Harry Potter, but we _do_ own the characters that aren't in Harry Potter. Just the characters, though. Not the real people. Thoughthat'd be pretty awesome. Because all the non-Harry Potter folk are based on real people: our peers, our former teachers, etc. Anyways, wehave slightly altered the names of the people, for our own safety. And even though we hate "Brigitte"(100 completely)we do not hate the Asian race, or any race for that matter. We just think "Brigitte" isa horrible person. Also, this story is pure silliness, and there is a LOT of Harry bashing, so if you're a HP fangirl/boy, and are easily upset, we suggest you don't read this. All flames will be ignored, so don't even bother, folks. So now, ON WITH THE STORY! 

**You Can't Scream and Vomit at the Same Time : ****Chapter One**

On a quiet street in the middle of a small town, there sat a house. It was surrounded by lush green vegetation, and huge oak trees that gave plenty of shade during the summer. The house in question was fairly large, and was painted deep blue with white trimmings. The soft summer breeze floated in through an open window. Gazing through said window was a Miss Samantha Black. She had long, thin, pale blonde hair, and piercing blue eyes. She was dressed in a tight red mini skirt that brought too much attention to her ridiculously pale legs, and a low-cut purple shirt that gave her the look of a prostitute; a prostitute whom no one would pay to sleep with.

As a handsome boy walked past her window, she stuck her hip out to the left, and batted her heavily coated eyes. Her deep blue eye shadow had been put on a bit too generously, and the boy quickly walked away.

_I bet he liked what he saw_, she thought before turning away from the window. She was a bit prudent, and her ego was ridiculous for a person with such a figure. She glanced at the deep brown coffee table in the center of her living room. It was stacked high with Ms. Manners' books. She walked past it, and into the kitchen. Suddenly, a figure emerged from the shadows.

Samantha turned, grabbed her spatula, but spun around too late. What she planned on doing with the spatula, she wasn't sure. Suddenly, the spatula flew out of her hand, and into the hands of the woman she was facing. She was weary with age, and her heavily wrinkled body was heaving from the difficulty of breathing. "Samantha Black?" she wheezed, bringing a handkerchief up to her face.

"What? Who are you? How did you get in here?" Samantha demanded, bringing down her ugly-sandal-covered foot onto her freshly waxed floors.

"I'm Ms. Nakathing, and I come from Hogwarts, the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Which really are the same thing. But we magic folk are sexist, so witchcraft is for girls, and wizardry is for boys. It's quite a shameful shame, actually, because..."

"Enough," Samantha interrupted, "I do not want to hear your drunken lies. Now if you don't have anything important to say, get out."

"Quite a tongue we have on this one!" Ms. Nakathing exclaimed, "But I will not be leaving yet, my dear, for I have important and astounding news for you and your family."

"Get on with it," Samantha moaned, shifting her weight.

"You're a wizard, Harry!"

Samantha looked at the woman in disbelief. "I'm a girl. And my name isn't Harry."

"You are? Oh my, my, my! I'm terribly sorry! You're a wizard, Samantha!"

"I'm still a girl."

"Oh," Ms. Nakathing said, looking down at a clipboard, "You're a witch, Samantha! There, are you happy now?"

"Yes, thank you very much," Samantha said, smiling at her proper correction of grammar. Then, suddenly realizing what Ms. Nakathing had said, her mouth dropped open in horror as if she were suddenly being attacked by mutant sea bass. "I'm a what?"

Meanwhile, on a miniscule island, which was in fact a peninsula and was part of the same small town, two girls were in the middle of a picnic. These two girls went by the names of Melissa and Mariela. Melissa had short, brown hair, recently dyed a few colors darker than it actually was. She was, unlike Samantha, dressed in jeans and a simple blue tank top. She also wore glasses, and blue converse. Mariela was also wearing jeans, but she wore a red tank top, and plain, white tennis shoes. They both had a modest amount of mascara and eyeliner on.

Now, these two girls were having quite a bit of fun with a small cat that they had encountered. It was a rather clean cat, and Melissa had only just picked it up when something amazing happened.

"Um, Mariela?"

"Yeah?"

"I've had a few fat cats, but this one is getting heavier by the second!"

Before Mariela could answer, Melissa dropped the cat. After several seoncds, it had completely transformed.

The girls now saw that it was not a cat at all, but a man! Not just any man, mind you! This man was wearing beige khakis, and a checkered button-up shirt. To their horror, the girls realized that the man's top button was undone and from where there should have been nothing at all, sprung a mane of chest hair.

Melissa and Mariela had only just said, "What the f uck!" before their world was turned upside down and sideways. You can't forget sideways.

Whilst Samantha was busy finding out about her "magical" gifts, and Mariela and Melissa were being harassed by a man with unusually long chest hair, Brigitte was reading a book.

Not just any book, mind you. Because Brigitte didn't exactly read random books.

It was a very unique book... a different kind of book...

Okay, it wasn't _actually_ a book.

But it was a _magazine_. And magazines have very informative articles.

Magazine articles can be very noteworthy and exciting, and you can learn a lot from them.

They can be very educational.

But Brigitte wasn't reading an article.

She was staring at a beautiful blonde model, who was trying to sell Maybelline mascara.

"Wow," she whispered, staring at the pouting girl.

"What?" came a voice from the foot of her bed. Brigitte shot up in bed and looked around.

"Who is in my room?" she shrieked.

"Well, _you_ are in your room," the voice said. Brigitte brought her knees up close to her chest.

"Wh-wh-what's going on?" she whispered. Her breathing got heavier and slower. She thought she might die. Which would be _such_ a shame.

"Meow, meow, meow," the voice said. It was trying to sound like a cat, but it sounded very human. Brigitte's brow furrowed in confusion, which happened quite frequently.

Suddenly, a slender black cat waltzed from the front of her bed, and went over to Brigitte's bedside table.

Brigitte was quite surprised to see a dancing cat.

Especially one who could waltz.

But, anyway, the cat went over to Brigitte's table, and started licking the bottom drawer.

"Ew," she said, pointing at the cat with one of her long, manicured fingernails. She didn't say "Ew," with exlcaimation or anything of the sort, it was just a plain and simple, "Ew."

"What is your problem?" the black cat asked in a huffy voice. "I'm trying to tell you something. Haven't you ever seen that movie?"

"What movie? _Lassie_?"

"Heavens, no! Do I look like a sheepdog to you?" the cat said, looking slightly offended.

"No... errm... I'm sorry... you look like a cat... a talking cat..."

"How can you tell a cat can talk just by looking at it?" the cat retorted.

"I don't know..."

"You seem to not know a lot."

"Hey, that's not cool, mister!" Brigitte said, sitting up straighter.

"I don't care if I'm uncool!" the cat said, then sat down on one of Brigitte's fuzzy slippers.

"Get out of my room. You smell like talking cat."

"That can be changed...AND arranged..." the cat said, before it twirled into a twirly thing of smoke.

"What!" was all Brigitte could say before the cat turned into a tall, slightly balding man, wearing spectacles, a sweatshirt that read "San Francisco Boy's Choir", and khaki shorts.

"My name is Scott Mathieson, and I have come to tease you so much you will cry and throw nail polish at me."


	2. Chapter 2

**Authors' Extremely Important Note of Importancy:** This is a story that we, Mariela and Melissa (view profile for more info), made up through various emails to each other over the course of a few days. It was planned to never be seen by anyone else, but obviously, that has all been changed. We have currently written over nine chapters, and will be putting up one chapter a day... or every few days. We do not own Harry Potter, but we _do_ own the characters that aren't in Harry Potter. Just the characters, though. Not the real people. Though that'd be pretty awesome. Because all the non-Harry Potter folk are based on real people: our peers, our former teachers, etc. Anyways, we have slightly altered the names of the people, for our own safety. And even though we hate "Brigitte" (100 completely)we do not hate the Asian race, or any race for that matter. We just think "Brigitte" is a horrible person. Also, this story is pure silliness, and there is a LOT of Harry bashing, so if you're a HP fangirl/boy, and are easily upset, we suggest you don't read this. All flames will be ignored, so don't even bother, folks. So now, ON WITH THE STORY!

OK... Please review!

**Chapter Two**

"Melissa? Do you know where Platform Nine and Three-Quarters is?" Mariela asked, only after having looked for fifteen minutes herself of course (she was, and still is, a very stubborn person).

"No. I told you we should ask someone!"

"Sure, then they can send us to the asylum!"

"God Mariela, who stuck a stick up your ass!"

"Whatever."

The girls decided to stand at the barrier between Platforms Nine and Ten.

"Mel, you should have seen your face when you saw Mr. Roeder transform!"

"God, Mariela! That was a month ago! CAN YOU DROP IT ALREADY! Besides, you didn't look too hot either."

They were so engulfed in their conversation, that they did not notice a fairly handsome, redheaded boy approaching them.

"Excuse me..." the boy said. Mariela and Melissa merely stared. "Excuse me?" he asked again. Melissa finally regained enough cerebral capacity to ask, "Do you know where Platform Nine and Three-Quarters is?"

To their surprise, the boy did not ask them any questions, nor did he call the authorities to ask if there had been an escape from a nearby mental institution. He merely said, "You're standing right in front of it. I guess you're going to Hogwarts too?"

Mariela had now returned from her vegetative state, and was quick to explain that it was the girl's first year and ask if he could accompany them on the train.

He grinned, "Sure, it's my first year too, but my brother's, Fred and George, told me about it so there are no surprises for me."

Melissa returned his broad smile, although her mouth was small, so her grin was not as exaggerated, "Thanks! By the way, I'm Melissa, and this is Mariela!"

The boy with the flaming red hair replied as he started walking towards the barrier, "Cool, I'm Ron. Now we better hurry, or we'll miss the train!"

The girls had moved and were now standing next to the barrier. They stood with their mouths agape as Ron ran, full speed, into the barrier. To their surprise, he did not crash; he merely passed through the barrier, disappearing into the seemingly solid brick wall.

Melissa and Mariela stood there for a moment before they heard an all too familiar voice, "Hey you guys! Do you know where the platform-"

That was all they heard, for they had decided to follow Ron and hopefully evade the owner of the call.

Samantha Black was standing by herself, looking around the bustling train station her parents had dropped her off at. She looked down at her luggage, and then at the people moving quickly around her. She started walking down the giant station, looking at platform numbers. After several minutes she made her way to Platform Nine. She looked up at the sign. Yup. It was definitely a "9".

Slowly, she passed the platform, and up ahead she saw the sign stating "10".

_What?_

Samantha turned and looked back at the sign stating "9".

Where was Nine and Three-Quarters?

She pulled a crumpled piece of paper from the pocket on her kilt.

_"Market Street MUNI Station, San Francisco_

_Platform Nine and Three-Quarters_

_11:00 a.m."_

Samantha looked at her surroundings. She was definitely in the right place. But she couldn't find the platform! Frustrated, she put the piece of paper back in her pocket, and leaned against a barrier. Suddenly, she fell backwards through the wall, with luggage and all. She stumbled backwards, but caught hold of a bar, so she steadied herself.

_Hope no one saw that..._ she thought to herself, as she pulled down her extremely short pleated skirt. She turned around, and found she was facing an enormous red train. She looked up at the sign stating what platform it was, and sure enough, she was at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. Large puffs of smoke were billowing out of the train, and she heard whistles in the distance. The train started to groan, and Samantha realized she might not make it in time. She ran up to the train, her luggage rolling smoothly behind her.

"Hurry!" a tall, fairly handsome redheaded boy called to her. He held out his hand and she gave him her luggage. He looked down at the bags, and pulled them aboard. Samantha climbed on board herself, the parents behind her gaping at the flagrant view of underwear peeking out from under her skirt.

"Here, let me help you find a compartment... maybe you'll have to be in mine..." the boy said, dragging Samantha's luggage behind him. Samantha followed him down the isle between compartments. She flicked her long hair behind her, and people stared as she walked past. She decided to flaunt what her momma gave her, and started walking with provocative hip action.

"Please, stop doing that," the boy said when he turned around to see why everyone was staring. "People will tease you for the rest of the year if you keep doing that."

"No! People don't tease me. Ever," Samantha said, and decided to leave it at that.

The boy shrugged. "You'll have to be with us, I think." He pulled open the compartment door, and Samantha walked in to see six people staring at her in wonder and amazement. And probably, Samantha thought, awe.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors' Extremely Important Note of Importancy:** OK... Please review! We're quite glad you liked the first two chapters, and hope the third one will live up to your incredibly low expectations :-P just kidding. About the low expectations part, I mean... err... yeah.

**

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In response to your reviews... because we feel like copying Claire (possumgurl)...**

**Smartlilazn** - Lol, we're glad you like it:D Oh and by the way... KICK $$!

**Penpal13** - Thanks! This, the third chappy, is now up. And don't worry, we'll keep posting chapters!

**Dark Syrinx** - Heh. I'm really glad you like it!

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**Chapter Three**

"Thanks Ron! I don't think we could have ever figured out how to get here without your help!" Ron turned almost as red as his hair when he heard Melissa say this.

"Yeah, thanks Ron!" Mariela added.

"No Problem..." he mumbled.

The corridor was very narrow, and there were compartments on both sides. Ron was looking through the small windows in the compartment doors, but it seemed like they were too full to admit three more, either that, or the people inside them looked nasty.

Mariela saw a boy with white blonde hair and very pale skin sneer at them as they passed.

"That'll teach him!" she thought as she made a rude gesture with her hand, forever imprinting this gesture in the boy's mind. She had made an "acquaintance".

"Hey look! Fred and George are in here!" Ron exclaimed to the girls, and in just a few moments, they had settled themselves in that same compartment. The people in it were a little strange, but they seemed pleasant. Mariela was sitting next to a boy who seemed to have his twin at his other side. Melissa chose to sit next to Mariela, and Ron quickly sat next to Melissa. Across from them sat a boy with an odd scar on his forehead, and a girl with frizzy, mouse-brown hair.

Silence. No one seemed to want to say the first word. After what seemed hours, but it was only about ten seconds, Mariela looked around. "Hi," she said to the boy next to her, "I'm Mariela..."

"Uh, hey, I'm Fred...and, uh, this is George..." he pointed to the boy at his side.

"You're Ron's brothers right?" Mariela added. Hearing their names had confirmed the suspicion that their red hair started.

"You met the runt already did you?" George leaned to look at Ron as he spoke this. Ron blushed again, got up and exited the compartment mumbling, "I need some air..."

Melissa decided to join the conversation at this point, "Yeah, we met him. I'm Melissa. You're brother helped us get to the platform."

"What a gentleman!" George laughed.

Mariela just smiled and thought, "Well, nice enough..."

Melissa then turned to look more closely at the girl sitting across from her, and concluded that she was pretty enough to get a boy's attention, but not drop dead gorgeous. She also saw the cat in her lap. "I used to have a cat... What's it's name?"

The other girl turned and said, "Oh, this is Crookshanks! I'm Hermione, by the way."

"I'm Melissa, it's nice to meet you!"

That was all she said before she heard the voice. Mariela and Melissa turned and looked at each other. They quickly turned to the people in their compartment.

"Hide us!" They exclaimed in unison.

Fred turned to see a look of terror on Mariela's face. "There's room up there." He pointed to the luggage compartment above them. After Mariela and Melissa were crammed into the small space, Hermione took off her coat and placed it over them. Mariela could see a petite Asian girl with short black hair through a small hole in the coat.

"Can I sit with you guys?" the girl asked.

Fred, who was directly below Mariela and Melissa, started to say, "Su-" before Mariela hissed,

"NO!"

"What was that?" the girl asked stupidly.

Hermione reacted quicker than anyone and replied "Oh, that was my cat."

"Ew!" the stupid Asian proclaimed, "Cats are icky!" Before she could do any more damage, George was able to communicate with the imbecile, saying, "These seats are taken."

"Thank goodness! I hate cats!" exclaimed the girl as she turned and exited the compartment. Hermione slammed the door behind her.

She asked, "Who was that b itch!" as Melissa and Mariela tumbled out of the luggage compartment and onto the floor.

The fall made Hermione laugh, and pretty soon, everyone was laughing. That is, they were, until they were abruptly stopped when they heard the door scrape open once again.

Everyone turned to face the newcomer.

At first, they saw only Ron, but he was soon followed by the person with the biggest ego in the universe.

"Samantha!" Mariela and Melissa exclaimed.

"Mariela? Melissa? What are you guys doing here?" Samantha exclaimed, smiling broadly.

"We're going to Hogwarts... what are _you_ doing here?" Melissa asked.

"I'm going to Hogwarts too! Ms. Nakathing invited me!" Samantha said as she sat down across from Melissa.

"Ms. Nakathing invited you? Personally?" Fred asked in amazement.

"Yes... what about it?" Samantha inquired, looking puzzled.

"Whoa," Fred and George said simultaneously. Fred continued, "Ms. Nakathing is the Headmistress of Hogwarts! It must be quite an honor to be specially invited."

"Well, my family _has_ lived in our town for centuries, and we are quite rich living off an inheritance."

Fred and George looked at each other. They were definitely not rich, in fact, they were the opposite. They secretly wondered how this girl would react.

"That's... err... nice..." Ron said softly. He was sitting back down next to Melissa.

"Samantha, no one cares about financial dealings in this compartment," Mariela said, giving Samantha a cold look, "It's not like it really matters."

"Oh, I suppose it doesn't..." Samantha muttered, looking at Hermione's cat. "So, who are all of you people?"

After the introductions, there was silence. It was content silence this time, and not an awkward one. Then, suddenly, the compartment door was slid open so forcefully, Ron jumped in his seat. There stood the Asian girl, once again, and this time Mariela and Melissa had no escape.

"Oh! Hi, Melissa and Mariela! It's cool to see you here," Brigitte said, smiling dumbly, "I was just looking for Samantha... and here she is!"

"Yes?" Samantha asked, a small smile darting across her face.

Brigitte's eyelashes fluttered for a second before she said, "I was just wondering if you wanted to sit in the compartment with me and this cute boy I met named Draco."

"Oh... well... Maybe for a minute," Samantha said as she got up. When the two girls had left the compartment, there erupted a unanimous sigh of relief.

"That was awful," Hermione whispered, peering out the compartment door window.

"Agreed," Harry said, fumbling as he propped his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose.

"Well, now that's over and done with," George said, laughing, "Who wants a chocolate frog?"

"Ooh! I do! I do!" Ron said, looking hopefully at George's backpack.

"No problem, little Ronniekins!" George said as he tossed the chocolate frog at Ron. He missed, and Melissa caught it. She handed it to him. "Here you are," she said, smiling.

"Err... thank you..." Ron said, his ears bright red once again. He took the candy from Melissa, and opened the package. Fred and George had huge smiles across their faces.

The frog leapt up into the air, and attached itself to the compartment window. Ron grabbed it and quickly stuffed it in his mouth.

"Well, I'm bored," Mariela said, looking around the compartment, "What are we supposed to do? How long will it take to get there? When will-"

"So many questions, so little brain power," Fred said, smiling.

Suddenly, the train came to a halt.

"What?" George said, peering out the window, "We're not even close to Hogwarts!"

They quickly found out the reason for their premature stop. The engine of the train was engulfed in flames!

They heard an odd noise as loudspeakers magically appeared in all of the compartments. They then heard a noise that was even odder. It was Ms Nakathing, and she sounded frantic, "Students! Due to the terrible circumstances that the engine is on fire, I urge you not to panic! First years, find a student with a broom, it seems that we will be flying to Hogwarts this year!"

George turned to the group, grinned, and merely said, "Well, that was hysterical…but it sounds like we should be getting out of this train."

No one needed to be told twice; they calmly opened the compartment door, and started walking. Strangely, there was no one else in the narrow corridor; it seemed that the rest of the school was still in a stupor.

"Talk about slow reactions." Mariela said under her breath. Fred, who was in front of her, turned and laughed, and Mariela smiled.

They got outside in time to see the flames at the front of the train. All the wizards were dousing it with water from their wands, and the fire quickly died out, but the damage to the engine was done.

When Melissa turned, she saw that Harry, Fred and George now had brooms in their hands.

"Let's go!" Harry said.

The arrangements were made, and the group was soon flying off to Hogwarts; Melissa and Ron with Harry (Harry had the newer broom), Mariela with Fred, and Hermione with George.

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Yay! Hope you liked it! 


	4. Chapter 4

**Sexylicious Author's Note:** Thanks for reviewing! Here is chapter four... Get the most out of this one, because Chapter Five will be short.

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**Response to Reviews (because we lurve copying Claire!)(Claire possumgurl)**  
**Quarashigirl - **We put up one chapter a day, just to let you know:) Hope you like this one!

OK... now ONE WITH THE STORY!

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**Chapter Four**

Mariela and Melissa weren't sure how long it took to fly to Hogwarts. It must have been hours, because the sun was setting, but the time had flown by for the two girls. When they landed softly onto the lush green lawn of Hogwarts, the sun had disappeared almost completely behind the distant trees. A faint smell of turkey wafted through the air, and Melissa and Mariela were in a daze as they trudged up the slope of grass that led to the huge castle.

The castle was gigantic. Mariela and Melissa had never seen anything quite like it. "Where are we, anyway? Where is this castle? Are we still in California?" Mariela was asking questions again.

"God, do you ever shut up?" Fred teased playfully.

"I will if you answer my questions!" Mariela smiled.

"Mariela," Hermione said, "We are still in California. The school grounds are hidden from Muggle eyes, and what the Muggles see is a huge swamp. We are at the foot of the Sierras."

"Thank you, Hermione. You are very helpful, unlike _some_ people," Mariela smiled and looked at Fred. He grinned back.

"Are we finished here? I'm starving," Harry said. They were in front of the school doors, and no one else had reached the castle yet. Ron approached the doors and tried to open them, but they were locked.

They looked around at each other and their surroundings, clueless as to what they should do next. Then suddenly the doors swung open. Professor Mathieson had opened the doors and was waiting for them to enter.

"Come on, lovebirds, the feast is about to start. You landed on the wrong side of the school, you dummies!" he said as the group entered the castle. Down the corridor, there was a throng of students standing around idly. Then they spotted Samantha standing with Brigitte and a tall, pale boy. They assumed he was the boy Brigitte had referred to as "cute".

"Hey, Professor Mathieson?" Melissa asked.

"Yeah?"

"Where is Claire?" Melissa inquired, wondering where her friend, and his daughter, was.

"She's not exactly... magical. She's a Muggle. Guess she gets it from her mother's side of the family."

"Oh, that's too bad," Mariela said. Then Samantha spotted them approaching. She waved them over, and they had no choice but to talk to her.

"Hey guys! I want you to meet Draco Malfoy," Samantha said, gesturing to the sneering boy next to her.

"We've met," Harry said darkly.

"Samantha, you know Potter?" Draco asked, darker than Harry's darkness.

"Well, sort of... He's friends with my friends," Samantha smiled. Brigitte smiled at Samantha. They smiled at each other.

"Look, we have to go and socialize," Fred said, "Mariela, do you want to come with me and George?"

"Sure," Mariela said, going off with the two boys, and not looking back.

"I'm going to go... see... Neville," Harry said as he left them for a large, frightened boy who was standing in the corner.

Ron, Melissa, and Hermione stared at Samantha and her group.

"Hey, Melissa, would you like me to introduce you to some people?" Ron said, smiling. Hermione's eyes widened. She knew she'd be stuck with the horrible people.

"Umm, sure, I guess," Melissa said, and she and Ron walked away.

"So..." Hermione said, smiling and clasping her hands. Samantha and Brigitte were still smiling at each other.

"Aren't you a mudblood?" Draco sneered.

"Excuse me?" Hermione said, taken aback.

"Your parents... they're Muggles, aren't they?"

Hermione said nothing, but just walked away in a huff. She was going to have to yell at Ron for not inviting her to leave, too.

As Melissa walked away with Ron, she felt a bit guilty… "Poor Hermione," she thought, "stuck with Samantha and Brigitte."

But by then, Ron had grabbed her hand, and led her quickly, "We're late for the sorting," he sighed, "This will be a disaster…"

"What sorting?" Melissa asked as they approached a large crowd of fellow first years.

"Looks like Mariela isn't here yet… Probably still with Fred and George. Oh well…" Melissa stopped abruptly as she saw some familiar chest hair up ahead.

"It seems you're late, children… Quite a catastrophe we had back at the train wasn't it?" Mr. Roeder trailed off as Ms. Nakathing called a name.

"Mariela Lopez? Is she here?"

Ron was quick to tell her, "Oh, um, she's a little late getting here…"

Mr. Mathieson just stared amusingly at Ron. "Oh, yes… she is _very_ occupied right now Ms. Nakathing." Mr. Mathieson said this with a smirk. Ms. Nakathing looked confused.

"Alright then, we should get on with the sorting… uh, Brigitte Lee?" Brigitte tangoed up to the hat; she was feeling a bit airy… as always.

"EW! I have to put this thing on my head! GROSS!" being the hypocrite she is, Brigitte said this as she put the hat on.

"SLYTHERIN!" it declared a few seconds later.

Ms. Nakathing looked down her list. "Drahco Malfoy?"

"It's Draco!" said the pale faced boy as he put the hat on his head, like so many students before him.

The hat had barely touched his head when it declared, "SLYTHERIN!"

"I get to be with Draco!" Brigitte called in glee.

After Melissa, Ron, and Hermione were sorted into Gryffindor, Mariela came to the sorting.

"Where were you?" Melissa hissed.

"Fred was showing me around," Mariela whispered back, "What did I miss?"

"Oh, just me, Ron, and Hermione being sorted into Gryffindor, and you were the first one they called, but you weren't here!"

"S hit!" Mariela said. Suddenly, she saw Mr. Roeder. "Ew! It's Mr. Roeder! And Ew, look! It's Mr. Bell!"

"I noticed," Melissa said.

"Samantha Black!" Ms. Nakathing called out. Samantha sauntered up to the hat and placed it upon her head.

After a few minutes it screamed "SLYTHERIN!" Samantha looked shocked. She wasn't sure if she was supposed to be happy or sad. She had friends in Slytherin, but also in the house's enemy, Gryffindor. Oh well, she thought as she came back into the group of students, _At least I'm in the same house as Brigitte... I mean Draco... Yes, of course... Draco... Not Brigitte! Ew!_

After the sorting, Ms. Nakathing called out Mariela's name once again. Mariela slowly went up to the hat. Mr. Mathieson watched with silent glee as she fumbled with it. It almost immediately cried out "GRYFFINDOR!"

Mariela sighed in relief, and bounded towards Melissa, Ron, and Hermione. She was grinning happily, and hugged Melissa.

"I'm so freaking happy!" she exclaimed.

They all sat down at the appropriate tables in the Great Hall, but didn't know what to do. The tables were covered in empty dishes. Then suddenly, Ms. Nakathing rose from her chair in the middle of the front of the room.

"She's going to make her hideously boring speech... I always focus on something else when she rambles on about butterflies and working and stuff," Fred whispered to Mariela and Melissa, but mostly to Mariela.

Then, Ms. Nakathing began her speech.

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Hope you liked it! Chapter Five up tomorrow! Don't forget to **REVIEW!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A Totally "Awexome" Author's Note: **Well, well, well! The fifth chapter of the _You Can't Scream and Vomit At the Same Time_ saga has arrived! Obviously... I mean, if it hadn't, what would you be reading right now? That's right - nothing. You'd be lost without your wonderful story and would die after having drunk way too much Pinot Noir and getting alcohol poisoning. Those verbs are messed up but I DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M PLEASED THE FIFTH CHAPTER IS UP! Oh and by the way we don't own Harry Potter, but we _do_ own the non-Harry Potter folk. We whip the teachers until they give us A's. We torture the students until they give us their money. Hex yes. Not really. We can dream, though. OH we also do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

**Response to Les Reviews:**

**orangeokapi13 **- YAY! I'm happy! -dances jig- Very happy you like the story. Well, hope you like this chapter. And I have a feelingthis can be a new inside joke?

Oh, and I, Melissa, take credit for the second part of this chapter. Mwahahahaha.

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**Chapter Five**

Mariela did not want to seem rude, so she listened intently to the headmistress' words.

"Welcome to Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! It is my pleasure to introduce you to our staff! Mr. Mathieson, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Mr. Roeder, Charms," each teacher rose at the sound of their name, "Mr. Bell, Herbology, Mrs. Lee, Potions, Ms. Sanders, our caretaker..." There was more to this immensely boring speech, but Mariela tuned out after those words.

She saw that they had paper napkins, and remembered the pen in her pocket. She began to draw a caricature of Ms. Nakathing making her speech. Melissa saw this, and started to laugh silently. It was not long before Mariela's drawing was being passed along the Gryffindor table and everyone was laughing.

All the Gryffindors were laughing as the paper was passed back into Mariela's hands. Although soon after, Mariela felt that someone was behind her. She slowly turned around. Mr. Mathieson loomed in front of her...

"Care to share the napkin in your hand?" Mr. Mathieson took the napkin, and to everyone's surprise, just smiled and handed it back. He walked away. All this time, Ms. Nakathing was still talking; droning on and on...

About forty minutes later, the feast began. Now that Ms. Nakathing was silent, it was the students' turn to talk amongst themselves. They not only spoke, they multi tasked, eating at the same time, which in a normal society is very bad manners, but no one cared at the moment. Just as Ms. Nakathing's speech had ended, so did the feast, and it was soon time to head to the different common rooms.

When Hermione, Ron, Harry, Fred, George, Hermione, Mariela, and Melissa were lounging in the Gryffindor common room, there was a commotion in one of Hogwart's secret basements. Draco Malfoy had broken into a room that had many barrels of wine stored in it. He looked about the basement greedily, and rubbed his hands together. Then he looked back up the narrow stairwell he used as an entrance, and called out, "It's safe, girls! Come on down! Don't forget the glasses!"

After several minutes of waiting, Draco sat down on a barrel of Chardonnay. After several more minutes of waiting, Samantha and Brigitte came down to the cellar.

"What took so long? What were you doing?" Draco demanded, standing up and fixing his greasy hair.

"Nothing," Brigitte said, smiling. She gave Samantha and Draco each a cup, and they decided to open a very expensive barrel of Pinot Noir. After they had a few glasses each, they were laughing their heads off. As they were totally drunk, they didn't notice how their voices echoed up the stairwell and into the corridors.

A school ghost on duty, called Bucky, was wandering a corridor when he heard the faint sounds of laughter. He floated quickly towards the noise, and it became incredibly loud when he reached an open door that led to a dirty stair well. He looked around, went down the stairwell, and reached one of Hogwarts' cellars. The view was indescribable, but I will attempt.

There were three Slytherin students, holding cups with wine in them, and singing "99 Barrels of Wine on the Wall". Their robes were all drenched with the wine, and the boy's pale blonde hair had spots of deep purple in it. How it got there, Bucky didn't know. There was an Asian girl and a Scandinavian girl on each of his sides. The Scandinavian girl was trying to stay proper, but her drunkenness was getting away. The Asian girl was spread out on the ground, having a giggle fit, as the boy and the Scandinavian had their "99 Barrels" duet.

"What is going on here?" Bucky boomed. The three students simultaneously froze, and slowly they all turned to look at him.

Suddenly, the boy sneered. "Who are you?"

"I'm Bucky, the crime slaying ghost!" Bucky said, "And you three are in SERIOUS trouble!"

"Haha, like that's going to happen! Do you _know_ who I am? I am Draco Malfoy! I do _not_ get in trouble!"

"Let's see what Professor Mathieson says about that!" Bucky said, and then floated through the ceiling and walls of Hogwarts so quickly, he got to Professor Mathieson's office in seconds.

Slytherin ended up with -3000 points and three months of detention for each of them. Thanks to Bucky, the crime slaying ghost!

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Heh. Heh. HEH! Hope you liked that one. I really enjoyed writing the last part... well... **PLEASE REVIEW! **

and I LOVE BUCKY!


	6. Chapter 6

**Strangely Beautiful Author's Note: **Aha! So it has arrived... the sixth chapter! Woohoo! -audience applauds- oh my, thank you, thank you! Sorry once again for that extremely short chapter, though didn't I warn you? _Didn't I? _Oh well. We don't own Harry, but we own Potter! No, no. We don't own anything Harry Potter related, but we own the non-Harry Potter characters. Like the evil Ms. Lee. Well... Happy reading!

**Review Responses Because We're Cool Like That:**

**orangeokapi13** - I _said_ in Chapter Four that Chapter Five would be short. Ah well. Here's Chapter Six to entertain you. And we, the monkeys, shall now dance for you. Mariela wrote the part of Ms. Nakathing's speech, so the Teacher to Class thing was all hers. Yup. And BUCKY IS MINE! YESSSS! Hahaha.

ON WITH THE STORY!

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**Chapter Six  
**  
As said before, Hermione, Ron, Harry, Fred, George, Hermione, Mariela, and Melissa were lounging in the Gryffindor common room and they were extremely bored. Suddenly, Mariela had an idea.

"Hey, I know a game we can play... if you want... It's really fun!" she added her ending statement hurriedly.

Hermione turned with a glazed look in her eyes, "I think we're up for anything at this point."

Mariela smiled, "Okay then! So, this is a game of asking questions, and no matter what the person asks, you have to answer truthfully. Then the person who was asked the question gets to ask someone else a question, and you kind of just keep on going... Harry, since you're so special, you can go first."

Harry looked around, "Um, ok... My question is for George," George scoffed, "Okay, um, George, if you could hook up with anyone in this room, who would it be?"

George answered almost instantly: "Hermione." as he said this, Hermione blushed. "Okay, same question to my runt of a brother."

Ron looked up and he was starting to turn pink. "I-I-I..."

Hermione looked at him sharply, "You have to answer Ron, it's part of the game."

"Melissa..." As soon as he said it, Ron turned so red, it seemed he was choking. "I'm going to bed." Ron mumbled as he quickly got up and went into the boy's dormitory.

Mariela turned to Melissa, "Why don't you ask a question, since Ron left..." 

Melissa was in a state of shock from being picked. The only time she had been picked in similar circumstances was in a quite lovely game of M.A.S.H., or it would have been lovely if she hadn't been previously married forever to another boy. In the game, of course.

"Fred... Same question," Melissa said, trying to stop her rosy cheeks from becoming even redder, and stopping them is quite impossible and sadly inevitable in such embarrassing circumstances.

"Hmm," Fred smiled to himself, "Mariela!"

Mariela's eyes widened for a second, but she kept her cool. She couldn't keep a tiny smile from crossing her lips, though.

"And same question to Mariela," Fred said playfully.

"Well," Mariela flirted, "I'd have to say, you, Fred!" Instantly Mariela and Fred both blushed. Suddenly Mariela coughed and was feeling very tired. She got up to leave, and Melissa and Hermione went with her. When the girls left, Fred, George, and Harry, looked at each other.

"No one said me," Harry whispered sadly.

"Aw, Harry! You know tons of girls here would kill to go out with you!" George said, ruffling Harry's hair.

"Yeah, I guess..." Harry said. The three boys slowly walked to their rooms, and Harry collapsed on his bed.

"So much for getting a girlfriend _this_ year..." Harry said before he rolled over and fell asleep. In the First Year Girl's room, Hermione, Mariela, and Melissa were all insanely giggling.

Hermione, Melissa and Mariela each sat at the end of their beds and were giggling as if they had drunk a gallon of Giggle Potion.

Although there were traditionally four to a room, there were only three beds, and only the three girls inhibited this room.

Mariela stopped giggling long enough to say a few words. "Ron's - face- was- so - red!" she gasped, and took deep breaths in between each of the words.

"I know!" Hermione answered.

"I thought it was cute..." Melissa added.

"It was!" Hermione and Mariela said simultaneously. Then, silence.

"Are you guys friends with Samantha?" Hermione asked her two roommates.

"Well..." Mariela started.

"Not exactly friends. More like she thinks she's our friend." Melissa finished for Mariela.

Hermione sighed, "Good. She's as bad at that Brigitte."

Mariela scoffed, " That who re? She's the biggest ditz there is."

"Yeah. She's a total b itch" agreed Melissa.

Mariela suddenly smiled, "This would be her in charms:" She started talking in an annoyingly high pitched and whiny voice, almost identical to Brigitte's, "Is this how you do it Professor? Oh my! Hermione, I think I turned you orange! I can fix it! AHH! I'm so sorry Hermione! I totally didn't mean to light your hair on fire!" The girls were laughing hysterically now. After about five minutes of laughing, Mariela snuggled into her bedcovers and was sent into sweet dreams. Melissa and Hermione were soon to follow.

Ron lay in his bed, deep in thought. "What if she doesn't like me? Why did I say that! I'm so stupid!" He didn't know that Fred and George were thinking that, too.

Harry, on the other hand, was asleep. He dreamt of going into Potions the next day, and seeing everyone paired up, which was actually an absurd idea because Fred and George were not in the same year as the rest of them, but Harry was not thinking clearly. He dreamt that the only open seat was next to Samantha. He sat down, only to find that Samantha had turned into a whale! The whole class, including Samantha, was laughing at him. Then, he awoke, the light of morning coming through the dormitory window.

Harry looked down at his schedule: Potions. "Thank God last night was just a dream. Potions can't be like it was! Anyway, Fred and George aren't even in our grade!" Harry said aloud to himself.

"Didn't you hear they were held back?" said Ron, who was also just awakening.

"What?" Harry exclaimed.

"And Fred and George told me what happened, last night," Ron said, rubbing his eyes and sitting up in his bed, "Don't worry, mate! We'll get you a chick!"

"Are you trying to be Australian or something?" Harry asked, rather annoyed that his feelings were being gossiped about.

"Why, yes, mate! Fred and George were all like 'W.T.F. mate?' to me last night about me leaving, so I think they're planning to corrupt my Potions lesson today. You have to help me prevent it."

"Wait... If Fred and George were held back, why aren't they in this room?"

"Aren't they?"

Harry was silent. Sure enough, he heard Fred and George sniggering on the other side of the room. Harry sighed and leaned back into his pillows.

"I wouldn't get too comfortable, since we both overslept!" Ron said, jumping out of bed. His flannel pajamas were a nightmare of maroon, baby blue, and grey. Harry stifled his laughter.

"Shut up," Ron said.

When they had gotten dressed, they quickly walked down to the Great Hall for breakfast. Sadly, breakfast was ending and people were going to their classes. Ron and Harry grabbed a few blueberry muffins, and hurried to Potions. Fred and George were right behind them, sharing a dish of sausage.

When the boys entered Potions, they were surprised to see Draco Malfoy staring right at them, with a smirk on his face.

Mariela woke up and immediately took her cell phone out from under her pillow to check the time.

"Shi t!" she said this a little louder than she meant to, waking up Hermione and Melissa.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked.

Mariela turned to her friends, "Isn't breakfast at 8?"

Hermione had a puzzled expression, "Yes..."

"It's 8:50." Mariela said this, and for the first time, Hermione saw a worried expression on her face.

"WHAT!" Melissa had been following the conversation.

The girls quickly changed out of their oversized t-shirts and sweat pants, put on their uniforms, and rushed to brush their hair.

"God! I set my cell's alarm for six thirty! I can't believe I didn't wake up!" Mariela announced angrily.

Melissa stopped brushing her hair for a moment, "You guys, we better go, we have Potions at nine..." she received no reaction from her frantic companions. "We had better get going. Now!"

"We're going!" Hermione retorted.

At 8:55, the girls were walking through Hogwarts, hoping to get to Potions on time. Their stomachs rumbled from the lack of food.

"I wish we could have grabbed something for breakfast..." Mariela mumbled these words to herself.

A few moments later, they went down a flight of stairs, more like three flights of stairs, turned a corner, and there was Potions. There in front of the classroom door, were also Fred, George, Ron, and Harry, who was deep in a discussion with Draco.

Draco sneered, "A little late Potter?"

"Get out of my way Malfoy!"

Just as the two boys had drawn their wands, a woman appeared.

"Now, now, pumpkins! No need to yell..." the woman was Asian, short, skinny, and had long, thin, black hair. She went by the name of Ms. Lee. "We should start class now, dears! Come in and sit down, sweetie pies." Ms. Lee added this as she turned and went inside the classroom once more. With a sneer, Draco followed. Harry turned to his group of friends and shrugged.

"Are we ever going to go in, or what?" Hermione was not happy to be stuck outside.

Fred smiled, "Ladies first!" He stepped out of the way so the girls could pass.

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Hope you liked that, we really do. Oh my, what will happen in Potions class? Ooh ooh! It's such a mystery! Well, not to us. Since we wrote it. Mwahahaha. Anyway, **reviews are loved and cherished**. And next chapter up tomorrow! 


	7. Chapter 7

**Wickedly Wonderful Author's Note: **Don't own Harry Potter. I don't have any more jokes for this. Sorry. Ooh wait. Knock knock? Who's there? Interrupting cow! Interuptin- MOO! hahahaha. Okay yeah that's it.

**Response to Les Reviews**:

**orangeokapi13**: heh. More Ms. Lee in this chapter.

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**Chapter Seven**

In Potions, everyone had to pair up. Mariela and Melissa paired up, Hermione went with Ron, Fred went with George, and Harry ended up not having a partner. He raised his hand.

"Yes, sweety?" Ms. Lee said in a sickeningly fake voice.

"Um, Ms. Lee? I don't have a partner," Harry said quietly.

"Oh dear! Well, pumpkin, how about you partner up with Draco? That's good then," Ms. Lee said, then started ignoring Harry as she read a book and drank a bottle of Sobe. Harry and Draco looked over at each other, and then Draco came over and sat next to Harry.

"Let's get it over with then," Draco said, right before he b itch slapped Harry.

"Ow!" Harry exclaimed.

"Children! Quieter, please! Get back to work, darlings!" Ms. Lee said, glancing up from her book and taking another swig of Sobe. Draco smirked. Harry knew Draco would get away with it because of Ms. Lee's negligence.

"What are you gonna do, Potter? Is the Potter gonna tell on me?" Draco hissed.

"No, Malfoy. I'm gonna play your game," Harry said, and then kicked him very hard in the shin. Draco lurched forward a bit, then sat back.

"Aww, the Potter is angry, isn't he?" Draco hissed.

"Shut up. We have to get to work," Harry said.

"I heard you had a hissy fit because you can't get girls to like you," Draco smirked as Harry was chopping ingredients for a potion.

"What! Who told you that!" Harry exclaimed, dropping his knife.

"Careful! Careful, angel!" Ms. Lee exclaimed when she heard the clang of Harry's knife falling. She stood up and walked over to Harry and Draco's station. "Now, you little muffins, let's see how we're progressing..." she said as she eyed the badly chopped roots and cold water. "Your water should be boiling by now... oh my, look at how far Ron and Hermione have gotten! It wouldn't hurt to follow suit!" Ms. Lee exclaimed, pointing at Ron and Hermione's station. They were already well over halfway done. Harry and Draco looked at Ron and Hermione with icy eyes.

"Little show offs," Malfoy whispered.

"Ah, I know. They're always doing _so_ well. It's incredibly annoying," Harry said, getting back to his chopped roots.

"I'll set the water and mix in the Essence de la Squirrel. You can do the chopping stuff," Draco said, bending over to get the Essence. Harry smiled.

"Hey, boys," Samantha said, walking over from her station. She had partnered up with Brigitte. "How's it going over here?" she smiled sultrily, or attempting to be.

"Just fine, my dear Sam," Draco said, running a hand through his hair.

"Hello, Harry," Samantha said, eyeing Harry's badly chopped roots.

"Samantha," Harry nodded.

"Well, just wanted to see how it was over here... bye," Samantha said and walked back to her table where Brigitte was anxiously awaiting.

Potions had ended with Hermione and Ron being tied with Samantha and Brigitte. Hermione was agitated at Samantha's academic excellence. "She thinks she's just _so_ smart!" Hermione complained afterward.

"Forget about her," George said, "She's just a Hermione wanna-be." Hermione sighed and just shook her head.

"Where to now?" Mariela checked her watch.

"Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Harry exclaimed.

"I'm sure all of you are excited to be doing Defense Against the Dark Arts!" Mr. Mathieson's tone of voice demanded the student's attention. "But this is not just fun and games. Defense Against the Dark Arts is dangerous and deaths have resulted from taking this class..." he paused for a moment, "Nice to see you two back, Fred and George. Actually, I dread your futile attempts at Defense Against the Dark Arts. Now, we begin. Read the first chapter in your books. Do not disturb me unless you are in danger of death, or I will make you be in danger of death."  
Just like all the other students, Mariela turned to her textbook and started reading. The chapter was fairly short, and she had finished in less than ten minutes, she looked up, and saw that the rest of the class was still reading, although Melissa and Hermione were on their last page. Fred turned to Mariela, "You're done already?"

"Yea... I read pretty fast."  
"Um, yeah. There are still forty minutes of class time left."  
"Yea, well... Melissa and Hermione are almost do-"

"Quiet down, lovebirds!" Mr. Mathieson interrupted.  
Fred smiled at Mariela, then turned back to his book.

During lunch, Mariela and Fred sat next to each other. Melissa eyed them happily, but then went back to her rousing conversation with Ron, who was sitting across from her, about different muffins.

"Poppy seed is disgusting compared to blueberry!" Ron stated, pointing his fork at Melissa.

"Oh, ha! Blueberry is bland and boring. Everyone likes blueberry. Can't you be original?" Melissa retorted after sipping her root beer.

"Perhaps everyone likes blueberry because it's better than poppy seed?" Ron cried out with a mouthful of ham sandwich.

"Oh, Ron, that's disgusting," Hermione said, shielding her eyes from Ron's display.

"Blueberry muffins are overrated and poppy seed muffins are much more rare. People don't get a chance to try the poppy seed muffin to form an opinion!" Melissa exclaimed, ignoring Ron's lack of manners.

"But-"

"Can't you two shut up about muffins?" Hermione said, agitated.

"Fine," Melissa and Ron said at the same time, looking at Hermione.

"So, did anyone start their Potions homework?" Hermione asked, smiling and looked at her two friends.

"Hermione, we just got it this morning!" Ron said, bewildered. "When would you have time to start?"

"In Defense Against the Dark Arts! We had so much extra time!" Hermione exclaimed right before she bit into an apple.

"I just doodled through that," Melissa said. Ron nodded.

"I did too," he said. Melissa smiled at him.

"Ronnie Ronald! I saw what you were doodling!" George exclaimed.

"Shut up," Ron said, looking down at his plate, his ears getting redder by the second. George just laughed and stuffed some roast beef sandwich in his mouth.

"Melissa, would you like to come to the library with me?" Hermione asked, smiling at Melissa.

"Sure," Melissa exclaimed, "Mariela, would you like to come?"

"No, I think I'll hang out with Fred... and George..." Mariela said, grinning.

"Very well, then!" Hermione said as she and Melissa left the Great Hall.

"I'm so miserable!" Harry exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

"Quit complaining and eat. We have a long day ahead of us," Ron said, gesturing to the food.

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**We love reviews! Keep reviewing! **Okay hope you enjoyed that... haha... I like this chapter. Okay, next chapter up tomorrow!


	8. Chapter 8

**Fairly Sexy Author's Note: **-sigh- we don't own Harry Potter or anything related. We only own the non Harry Potter folk. Okay. Yeah. Blah. Whatever.

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**Response to Reviews!**

**Orangeokapi13 -** Sorry, but Bucky won't be coming back for awhile, I think...

ON WITH THE STORY!

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**Chapter Eight  
**  
Hermione and Melissa were in the library... reading. Melissa thought they would actually be going somewhere and talking about things, but no, they were just, reading.

Meanwhile, Fred, George, Mariela, Ron, and Harry were walking outside. They walked to the Quidditch field.

Fred smiled, "The one thing I like about Hogwarts: Quidditch season!"

Mariela looked puzzled, "What's Quidditch?"

Fred stared at her, "What's Quidditch! I mean, you've asked a lot of questions, but, 'What's Quidditch'!"

George shook his head at his twin, turned to Mariela, and calmly started explaining the game of Quidditch.

When Mariela had the concept down, she took out her cell phone.

"What's that?" Fred asked.

"It's my cell phone..."

"Oh! My dad has told me about those things!"

Harry asked, "What's a cell phone?"

"You use it to talk to other people." Mariela explained. "Like, I'm going to call Melissa right now."

At the library, Melissa felt her cell phone vibrating in her pocket.

"Hello?"

"Hey Mel! It's Mariela! I was wondering if you and Hermione wanted to join us at the Quidditch field?"

"What's Quidditch?"

"Just come over."

The group was standing in the middle of the Quidditch field.

"Watch me! Watch me!" Harry exclaimed as he jumped onto his very expensive and new broom.

Mariela and Melissa raised their eyebrows at one another, and Hermione looked at Harry like he was insane. Or the stupidest thing on earth. Fred and George started laughing, and got on their separate brooms. After they rose into the air to follow Harry, Ron got onto his broom as well. The boys were all in the air, flying incredibly fast.

"They're a bunch of showoffs," Hermione said, shaking her head.

"No kidding," Mariela said. Melissa nodded in agreement.

Suddenly, Hermione gasped. She was staring at her watch. "We just missed the first half of Charms! Oh no!" Melissa also gasped.

"We're late? Ahh!" Melissa exclaimed, and the two girls ran off the field towards Charms.

Fred, George, and Ron landed when they saw the girls sprinting off the field.

"What's gotten in to them?" Fred asked Mariela.

"We've all missed the first half of Charms," Mariela shrugged.

"What!" Ron exclaimed, looking around, slightly bewildered.

"Don't worry. It's not a big deal. Mr. Roeder teaches that class," Mariela said.

"Oh, okay then!" Ron said, relaxing suddenly.

"We should put our brooms away. Then we can go to the Common Room for the rest of the period, I suppose," Fred said, then winked at Mariela. She was a bit taken aback by his bluntness, but she did not protest. They walked off the field, Harry still insisting on flying. When they left, Harry landed.

"Why did they go? I thought I was impressing them with my super-cool tricks!" Harry said to himself, sadly.

He got off his broom and put it away. He then decided to take a nice, long shower in the locker room.

While he was shampooing his hair, he heard a shriek of a girl. He ignored it. He heard footsteps. He turned around and was about to open the shower door to grab his towel, when the door opened for him.

The person who had so rudely opened the shower door was Samantha. "Brig-" she started happily, then realized it was Harry. "Oh my..." she said, then eyed Harry below the waist. "Oh my! Oh, Harry... I'm really sorry..." Samantha said, then started laughing and walked off. Harry was bewildered, and slammed the shower door. He then immediately threw the door open once more and yelled after Samantha: "I'm taking a _cold_ shower!"

After he closed the door, he suddenly wished he really _had _been taking a cold shower.

Harry was flustered, to say the least, and the event he witnessed in the locker room after his shower did not help.

As he was leaving, Harry saw something out of the corner of his eye, which is kind of hard, since he can't see without his glasses, and his glasses certainly did not extend all around his head, but he saw something all the same. He turned slowly, and immediately vomited in his mouth.

The sight was disgusting, and it makes _me_ vomit as I retell it.

There was Samantha, in clear view, sucking face with a half-nude Brigitte, and there was Malfoy, watching with a smirk on his face. Harry turned in dismay, and hurried off before one of the three noticed him.

Everywhere he turned, the image haunted him, and he tried closing his eyes, but it was still there. It was like the VCR in his head kept rewinding and showing him the same sequence, over and over. Of course, there was no VCR in his head, he was just in a state of shock, but the VCR seemed like a nice way to explain what was happening to Harry.

For the next five hours, Harry stumbled through Hogwarts, screaming and vomiting. It was amazing how no one found him; well, not really amazing, Ms Nakathing had ordered for there to be a five hour feast for no apparent reason, and the whole school was attending. So that's why no one found him. Anyway, five hours later, Harry burst into the Gryffindor Common Room.

Hermione got up and stepped towards him.

"Harry, what's wrong?" she asked, with a concerned look.

Harry vomited.

After two hours in the hospital wing, no one had yet to get a word out of Harry. He was pronounced to be brain-dead. The experts said that he had forgotten how to do everything except breathe, scream, and vomit. They sent him to St. Mungo's Hospital the next day.

Let's return to what the others were doing at the time of Harry's... um, "incident".

Melissa and Hermione hurried off to charms and Fred, George, Mariela, and Ron were going to their Common Room.

"Harry is a little overenthusiastic about Quidditch, isn't he?" George asked as they entered Hogwarts once more.

"Really? I never noticed!" Mariela added in a sarcastic tone.

Ron laughed, "Yea, he can be a bit weird when there's Quidditch involved."

George scoffed, "A bit! More like a lot!"

"He's not crazy, George!" Ron retorted.

The two started in a long discussion about Harry's state of mind. They were too involved in their talk to notice when Mariela and Fred left them. About ten minutes after they had actually left, Ron asked, "Hey, where'd Mariela and Fred go?"

"They left ten minutes ago, Ron." George rolled his eyes, "And I don't really care to find out what they're doing.

Let's just go get Melissa and Hermione from Charms, and go to the Common Room already."

"Okay..." Ron mumbled.

They walked to Charms, which was about twenty minutes from ending, got Melissa and Hermione, who were practically falling asleep anyway, and went to the Common Room.

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Does it all make sense now? Heh. Heh. Heh. **Reviews are worshipped for eternity! **So yes. Chapter Nine up tomorrow. 


	9. Chapter 9 I

**A Bizarre Author's Note: **OK. We don't own Harry Potter. Chapter Nine is broken up into three different chapters, so yeah. Because there is Chapter Nine, a side story, and then Chapter Nine continued. That's all.

**

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Review Response!**

**Orangeokapi13** - Cell phones aren't electronic devices, they are magic.

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**Chapter Nine**

Harry rolled over in his bed. He opened his eyes and squinted, as the room was very bright. Too bright, according to Harry's hangover. He moaned and rolled over again.

"Mr. Potter?" a voice said. But the room was starting to darken and spiral away, and Harry fell back asleep.

"It looks like he's unconscious, once again, Sir," Rosa Smith, a young nurse, said to the man who sat beside Harry's bed. She vaguely recognized the old man, but didn't bother to study him. She had work to do. He had a long, white beard, and long purple robes.

"Harry," he said quietly, nudging the boy he was sitting next to, "Harry!" he hissed. The boy still did not wake up. Dumbledore looked around to make sure no one was watching, then pulled out his wand. He used the thinking-magic thing to wake Harry.

"Ahhh-!" Harry started to scream, looking around, squinting. Dumbledore clamped his hand over Harry's mouth. Harry looked up into Dumbledore's eyes and screamed louder.

"My dear boy, you are at St. Mungo's hospital. I have returned from the dead, but that is much too long of a story to tell you here, especially with you in the state you are in. Oh, do shut up!" Dumbledore said, pointing his wand at Harry once again, and thinking a spell to take away his voice. Dumbledore removed his hand, and Harry's mouth was open, but no sound emitted. "Good," he said, "Very good. Anyways, Harry, I have come to kidnap you from the hospital, and I will tell you what I am planning to do once we get out of here."

Harry's eyes widened and he shook his head, but Dumbledore ignored him and prepared some serious magic.

With his super magic skills, Dumbledore shrunk Harry, and placed Harry in his coat pocket. He left St. Mungo's, with Harry still in his pocket of course. Dumbledore then walked to a small deserted park, took Harry out of his pocket and unshrunk him.  
Harry took a breath, silently screamed, and then vomited all over Dumbledore (you must remember, all Harry could do was breathe, scream, and vomit).

Dumbledore was enraged!

"Dammit Harry!" he screamed. Then, he threw a cell phone at Harry, and Harry died, because cell phones are the most magical things in the universe.

"Dammit Harry!" Dumbledore screamed again, then he kicked Harry's face, and even though he was dead, Harry vomited. Harry vomited all over Dumbledore's new magical shoes.

"DAMMIT HARRY!" Dumbledore was very angry. So he kicked Harry in the crotch. Harry vomited again.

Pretty soon, the magical police came, and they arrested Dumbledore, who was later convicted of Murder of the First Degree by Use of Cell Phone. Or he would have been anyway, except he pleaded insanity. His therapist then found that he was indeed insanely insane. So Santa Clause sent Dumbledore to St. Mungo's Hospital. He spent the rest of his days in the part of the hospital which they saved for the insanely insane, where he had a room where everything was white, soft, bouncy, and covered with pillows. Dumbledore lived insanely happy ever after.


	10. Chapter 9 II

**Now For a Surprise Chapter That Seems To Have Nothing To Do With this Story But It Actually Does Because I Said It Does **(this chapter is brought to you by Mariela)

**

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Dumbledore's Adventures In His Wonderful Room At St. Mungo's**

After murdering Harry with a cell phone, and all the court stuff happened, Dumbledore ended up in a wonderful, white, bouncy, and soft room for the insanely insane, where everything was covered with pillows. What really made the room wonderful, was that every meal consisted of a burrito, Fresca, a Starbucks Frappuccino, and a side of cell phones. On Christmas, they even got to eat a guy dressed up as Santa Clause! What more could you ask for? Nothing. Anyway, on with the story...

One thing that Dumbledore did not know was that Harry was not dead. Well, Harry was dead, but the super duper magical cell phone that had aided in Harry's death felt really bad for killing him. So, because the cell phone was not just any cell phone, but the all powerful King of All the Cell Phones In the Whole Entire Universe and Cows, the King of All the Cell Phones In the Whole Entire Universe and Cows revived Harry, and vowed to stay with Harry and be his friend no matter what. So now, Harry was not dead.

One of the King of All the Cell Phones In the Whole Entire Universe and Cows' (we'll just call him the super cell phone from now on.) powers was being able to transport to anywhere in the whole universe.

Dumbledore was very astonished when one day, Harry appeared with the super cell phone in his hand. He was astonished until Harry vomited on his new, clean, white straightjacket, then he wasn't astonished anymore, he was mad.

"**DAMMIT HARRY! WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STAY DEAD!**" Harry did not answer, he just vomited all over the fluffy white pillows that covered the floor.

"**DAMMIT HARRY! DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU AGAIN!**" Dumbledore screamed at the top of his lungs. This set off an alarm, because everyone knows that in the rooms for the insanely insane, there are alarms that go off when threats are made, except, Dumbledore did not know this. Anyways, the alarm went off, and Harry disappeared thanks to the power of his trusty super cell phone. Then the doctors came, and they gave Dumbledore 50,000 lashes with a cat o' nine tails for making threats, and vomiting on his clean, white, new straightjacket, and the fluffy white pillows on the floor.

Then, Dumbledore died.

**THE END**... OF DUMBLEDORE.

**A/N:** I just wanted to explain to you why this sub- chapter was so weird. After making the Chapter in Which Harry was murdered, I e-mailed Melissa saying, "Murder, cell phones, and Santa Clause all in one chapter. What more could you ask for?" Melissa answered, "absolutely nothing! except maybe a burrito and a fresca.. gasp! the next chapter should have that in it! YESSS! OR MAYBE EVEN STARBUCKS FRAPPUCCINOS! YAAAAY!" so that is why i added all that stuff in this chapter. and i felt bad for killing Harry too, so i revived him...

Now, back to Hogwarts...


	11. Chapter 9 III

**Chapter Nine (continued)**

"I hope Harry is all right," Hermione said, looking anxiously at her toast.

"He's gonna be fine, don't you worry!" Ron said before taking a large bite out of his blueberry muffin.

"Harry's a survivor... The Boy Who Lived... we all know that," Melissa said, before taking a small bite out of her poppy seed muffin.

"Oh, God! He's going to die!" Hermione said, her eyes welling up with tears. She then put her hands over her face and sobbed uncontrollably.

Suddenly, Brigitte came over to the table. "Hey, guys. I heard what, like, happened, to Harry and all... But, like, I'm sure he's gonna be okay! He's Harry Potter for goodness sake!" she said, smiling. Which made Hermione sob harder.

"What's wrong?" Brigitte asked dumbly. She patted Hermione's back awkwardly, then excused herself to go sit with Samantha. And Draco. Can't forget Draco.

"Did anyone ever find out why he was vomiting and stuff so much?" Mariela said, "And what happened at St. Mungo's? And-"

"The questions all over again!" Fred roared, throwing his hands in the air. "I have the answer to all of your questions. And that is: NO!"

"You don't have to be mean about it," Mariela said quietly before she got up and left the Great Hall.

"Mariela!" Fred called before he got up and ran after her.

"Looks like he's in trouble," Ron said as he rolled sausage onto his plate.

"Yup," Melissa replied, watching Fred leave the Great Hall in pursuit of Mariela.

Suddenly, Melissa's Happy Bunny bag began to ring. "Bloody hell... what is that sound?" Ron asked, bewildered. He looked around the Great Hall. Other people seemed to be searching for it's source, too.

"It's just my celly..." Melissa said as she pulled out her cell phone from her purse.

"BLOODY HELL!" Ron gasped, "IS THAT A CELL PHONE YOU'RE HOLDING?"

"Um, yea... and I kind of have to answer..." Melissa looked at Ron, who had a quizzical expression on his face.

"My dad has one of those things; he thinks it vacuums stuff up. I tried to tell him that that's what vacuums do but he won't listen to me, what with all his years of experience and all..." Ron droned on and on.

"Yes Ron, now I'm going to have to take this call." Melissa was getting irritated. "Hello? Harry?"

Then Harry magically appeared with the super cell phone that had previously vowed to be his friend no matter what, but he found it hard when Harry was vomiting all the time so eventually, he just made Harry stop and be back to normal again. Anyway, Harry appeared, Melissa hung up, and he explained all that had happened.

Ron looked more awed than when he saw the cell phone, "BLOODY HELL! SANTA CLAUSE SENT DUMBLEDORE TO ST. MUNGO'S! I ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET SANTA CLAUSE!" Hermione looked at him like he was the stupidest thing on Earth, even stupider than a rock, although rocks aren't stupid, Hermione just assumed that rocks were stupid because she had never spoken to a rock (not many people have) and so she assumed rocks were stupid, when really, they were the most magical things in the universe. Except cell phones. Everyone knows cell phones are more magical than rocks. Anyways... Hermione looked at Ron as though he was the stupidest thing on Earth, "Shut up, Ron."

So Ron shut up, and Harry ate to try and get the taste of vomit out of his mouth. He still hadn't explained why he was always vomiting, and he wasn't sure he wanted to either.

The sun was shining, and Harry's stomach was rumbling. He looked down at his midriff, thought a final _Oh no_, and then started vomiting all over his shoes.

Though that thought wasn't exactly final, since he didn't die immediately afterwards.

"Harry?" Hermione asked slowly. The group was sitting by the lake, as they just had some exams and ended up with a few free days. They weren't end of year exams... just... exams. The professors at Hogwarts loved exams and torturing innocent students, so obviously, they gave tons of exams.

"Harry?" Hermione asked again. When Harry stopped vomiting, he looked up at Hermione with tears in his eyes.

"Her... Hermione..." he whispered. He then reached her, and planted his mouth firmly on hers. She was horrified, and tried to squirm away from his grasp. His mouth tasted of vomit.

Then, he vomited.

Harry's hold weakened and Hermione got away, coughing and spitting out Harry's vomit into the lake. The merpeople wouldn't appreciate that, but screw them. And as a matter of fact, as it was turning to winter, it was the merpeople's mating season. So this meant constant screwing.

But, that's another chapter.

"You are so vile, Harry!" Ron spat as the group left Harry alone on his worn picnic blanket.

Harry shook his head, then looked longingly into the lake. Why hadn't Hermione kissed him back? He thought vomiting was attractive to girls! He began to weep, as Harry Potter weeps an awful lot, and then sensed someone was with him. He looked up, and Professor Mathieson was looking down at him, smirking.

"I saw what happened back there, you horny idiot," Mathieson said. Harry simply shook his head, so Mathieson continued, "Only a complete moron would try to kiss a girl when: one, you are prone to frequent vomiting, two, you actually just finished vomiting and so your mouth tastes like that, and three, the girl obviously hates you. Especially now," Mathieson said, looking back at Hermione as she sat on a different hill, far away from Harry.

"Why are you so mean all the time?" Harry asked, tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I'm not mean, you're just stupid," Professor Mathieson said before he walked away. Harry felt alone. Utterly and hopelessly, ALONE.

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I hope you liked the three chapter one chapter thinger. It just didn't make sense to put all three of chapter nine together, you know? 


	12. Chapter 10

**What A Wonderful... Author's Note: **We don't own Harry Potter. But we do own the non-HP people in this story. Suck on _that_.

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**Respone to Les Reviews!**

**orangeokapi13 -**He is quite insanely insane. And yes, the chapter of merpeople and their mating season was just written. It'll go up around chapter eleven.

**GrYiFiNdOrZ GiRl - **Glad you like it!

**

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Chapter Ten**

Fred, George, Hermione, Melissa, Ron and Mariela were all sitting on a hill far away from Harry; just in case he decided to use his vomit as a projectile. Harry was acting odd lately, not that he wasn't odd before, but he was acting odder than usual and so the group believed that Harry was capable of flinging vomit at them.

Hermione was still trying to get the taste of Harry's vomit out of her mouth and they were all talking about the Quidditch tryouts later that evening. Ron was convincing them that he was going to be the best keeper ever and Fred and George were explaining why the beaters were more important than any other position on the field. The girls were caught in all this babble.

Mariela thought of a way out of the boring situation, "Um, we'll go watch you guys at the tryouts..."

"Yea!" Melissa added, "See you then!"

Hermione looked relieved, "Oh, uh, yea! See you later..."

With those words, the three girls left, heading back towards the school.

Ron looked confused, "What just happened?"

George looked at Ron as if he was the stupidest thing in the universe, just like Hermione had before him, "The girls just left us because of your boring quidditch talk."

"Oh, I see! I was being boring! What about you!"

Fred turned to his brothers, "Can it, you gits. You were both boring and I have no intention of hanging out with you two until the tryouts."

With that, Fred turned and retraced the girls' steps. Ron and George followed.

Hermione, Mariela, and Melissa had all quickly ran away from the boys so they wouldn't find them quickly and decide to bore them again. They found sanctuary in the Common Room, and Hermione and Melissa decided to work on their homework. Mariela opened her Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook and flipped open to a random section, and then started to read.

"What the hell are you doing!" Melissa asked, looking horrified at Mariela reading ahead.

"I'm reading... This book is actually quite interesting," Mariela said, turning the page.

"You still have homework to do! No pointless reading until after homework!" Hermione said, pointing at Mariela's part of the table, which was filled with blank scrolls.

"Oh, all right," Mariela said, then the trio got to work. Mariela still didn't understand why the teachers gave out homework during exams. It was ridiculous.

Harry was sitting by himself, on the lawn. He watched as the sun began to lower behind the distant trees, and then looked at his reflection in the lake. His face was smeared with his own vomit and tears, and then he started to cry. Again.

Harry started thinking, for once. _Why do I keep vomiting? I thought the super duper cell phone had cured me... Unless... Ah yes! The super duper cell phone must be in trouble! Or even worse, dead!_

That was when Harry decided to skip Quidditch tryouts and go and search for his old friend.

"Where the hell is Harry?" Ron said to himself, looking around the Quidditch field. The sun was setting, which was when the tryouts were scheduled. He looked up into the bleachers and saw Hermione, Mariela, and Melissa all watching and waving at him and his brothers. He waved back, then looked over at Fred and George.

"Ron, has Harry talked to you lately? I mean, like, realy, _talked_?George asked, looking worriedly at Ron.

"We've been worried about his mental state, again, you see," Fred said, nodding at George.

"Well, no, I haven't..." Ron trailed off, looking at his broom. Suddenly, he felt extremely guilty. Harry probably needed him! Ron should be with Harry, fighting the evils that threatened them! Well, they didn't really threaten Ron. Only Harry. Because Harry was just so _special_. Ron started feeling resentful.

"No," he said aloud, "I must not get angry at Harry. He's my best friend."

"I think we all have every right to be angry at him, at this point," Fred said, frowning.

"Me too," George said, then looked over to the center of the field. Kelly, this year's Gryffindor Captain, was in the center of the field, blowing her whistle wildly.

"Come on, guys!" she shouted, waiting for the soon-to-be team members to get in a line. "There, that's better," she said, smiling proudly. "Now, let the tryouts begin!"

And then, without Harry, the tryouts began.

The tryouts began for the beaters. Fred and George did beautifully, much owed to the fact that Mariela and Hermione were cheering for them in the stands.

It was now Ron's turn, he only had one stranger for his competition. "God, I hope I do well! I couldn't find my lucky boxers this morning!" Ron declared this to his brothers with worry.

"You have lucky boxers?" Fred asked, a smile playing across his lips.

Ron only had time for a quick, "Yeah." before it was his turn, and flew up to his position in front of the goal posts.

"Go Ron!" Melissa cheered from the stands. Ron gave a quick wave, and blushed.

No one knew why Ron was so nervous; even without his lucky boxers, he blocked every one of Kelly's shots.

"Great job, Ron" Kelly said, as she patted Ron on the back. Ron, Fred and George had all made the team. Harry didn't even make the tryouts.

After the team roster was announced, the three couples made their way to the common room. Suddenly, they saw a familiar figure in the darkness ahead.

It was Harry.

"Mariela! I need to use your cell phone!"

Mariela looked at Harry quizzically, "Do you even know what a cell phone is?" "Yea! I need yours!"

"Ok..."

Mariela handed Harry her cell phone, and Harry quickly dialed seemingly random numbers.

"Thank you soooo much, Mariela. I don't know where my cell phone is and i think it's-" at that moment, Harry's pocket started to vibrate and play the Barbie Girl song. Everyone looked at Harry. "I think it's...in my pocket?" Harry finished and handed Mariela her cell phone. He took his own out of his pocket and George noticed the heart-shaped buttons. Harry turned to him, "It's my sister's phone!" _Whooo, quick save!_ he thought, even though everyone knew that Harry didn't have a sister. Harry then began to talk to his phone, asking it things like, "What's wrong?" or "Are you mad at me?". The group stared at him, and he walked off.

Mariela was still staring at Harry, who was cradling his cell phone in his arms, "That was odd..."

Fred laughed, "Yea, I wonder if he gets hard after all his calls!"

"I think only you noticed..." Mariela said with a smile.

George turned to the group worriedly, "Tonight, we have to talk to Harry, and I mean really talk. There's definitely something wrong."

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MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! **Review, puhweese?**


	13. Chapter 11

**Damn Sexy Author's Note: **Don't own Harry Potter. Don't own the "F-u-c-k-i-n-g" song that I heard in _Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back_. Don't own any Chicken crossing road jokes. And of course we own all the non-HP characters.

**Another Fiiine Author's Note: **This one is a bit short, so I'll post up this along with the Mating of the Merpeople chapter.

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**Les Responses de Reviews?**

**orangeokapi13 - **Hope you like this chapter!

**SogenSith - **Thank you! Hope you like this chapter, too!

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**Chapter Eleven **

The group had planned to have a serious discussion with Harry... an intervention, if you will. But Harry was nowhere to be found that evening! They split up into groups of two to go searching for him, but made little progress. After an hour, they all came together, and switched partners. Then they made much more progress through the castle this way.

Harry, however, was not in the castle. He had stolen an ancient cape from the mysterious and wonderful Cape Room in the cellars, and was trekking through the forest. He had gotten past Sanders, the caretaker, and Professor James, the groundskeeper. Amazingly, he had also gotten past the wary Professor Mathieson, who was out to get him. Actually, it seemed he was out to get everyone. But Harry didn't notice. He was too self-absorbed.

Softly, he started to sing a little song he created:

"_Harry and Hermione,_

_Sitting in a tree,_

_F - u - c - k - i - n - g"_

Harry smiled to himself at his clever little song, and then continued the narrow, dark path through the forest.

After an hour or so, Harry couldn't tell, he spotted eyes looking at him. Some were bright yellow, and others deep red. He wasn't frightened, because he was "brave", but I think he's just foolish. He kept walking and walking, and then finally came to a clearing. He saw the school's back fences, and a road behind it. Harry was very happy at his "accomplishment" and climbed over the fence. He didn't have much practice hopping fences, so he fell over on the other side. He then saw a chicken, and it was about to cross the road.

"Hello," Harry said politely to the poultry.

"Hello, sir," the chicken squawked back.

"Why are you crossing the road?" Harry said, puzzled.

"To get to the other side, dummy!" it said, then started crossing the road.

"But, what I meant was, what are you going to do once you cross the road?"

"I'll be on the other side," it said, puzzled.

"Then what?"

"Oh my God, I have no meaning in life!" the chicken gasped, " I'm just a chicken that crosses the road every time someone says a lame joke!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, Mister Chicken," Harry said, pitying the poor fowl.

"Leave me, let me be," the chicken said, shooing Harry away once they got to the other side.

"Oh, all right," Harry said.

"Wait!" the bird cried as Harry started to walk in the opposite direction by the road.

"Yes?" Harry asked, turning.

"Please... Please kill me," the bird said, on his knees, trying to beg. If chickens can beg, I don't know. But if they can talk, they can probably beg.

"I... I... Better go now," Harry said, then walked in the opposite direction. When he was down quite a ways, and the chicken was a mere speck on the horizon, he heard a gun shot and something fall. _Poor creature_, Harry thought. He looked out to his left, and saw the gate to Hogwarts, and it's magnificent trees of the forest. He looked to his right, which was barren. Huge hills loomed far away, and he knew he'd have to cross them to get where he was going: Sacramento.


	14. Mating of the Merpeople

**And Now For Another "Surprise" Chapter That Explains the Mating of the Merpeople** (this chapter is brought to you by Melissa)

At the start of the Second Age, right after all the lands and rivers and lakes and the general terrain was formed, there came a species that Melarus had formed to prepare the waters for the coming of the Children of Melarus: the Merpeople. Melarus, known to the muggles as God, to the Merpeople as Mereloca, to the Giants as Roogax, to the magical folk (Wizards and Witches) as Merlin, and to the Fairies as Tinkerbell, was the Divine Creator of all that is in existence today. She is rumored to have created the first twelve of the Merpeople with her own hands. But She is also rumored to be a He, and that is not so.

The First of the Children of Melarus came in the Middle of the Second Age, and were the Giants and the Fairies. The Second of the Children of Melarus were the Witches and Wizards. The magical folk and the muggles came at the End of the Second Age and the Beginning of the Thrid Age. The muggles were created by one of Melarus' friends, and was put on this Earth simply as a favor. Melarus felt no love or compassion towards the muggles. That's why they didn't get a capital 'M" in their name.

Melarus put the Merpeople on Earth, which is known to the Merpeople as Terrelaud, and looked upon them with love. She had woven them so beautifully that they each radiated with their own light. She sent them to the depths of the Great Ocean, known to the Merpeople (and Melarus) as Atlanccio, but to everyone else it was simply the Atlantic Ocean. Deep in Atlanccio, they all dwelled in a gigantic castle made of stone and vegetation. The Immortal Twelve reside there today, ruling the seas.

Melarus, even though She was and still is the Divine Creator of all that is in existence today, made a mistake. She had forgot to teach the Merpeople when and how to mate. She could not change how she made them, so the Merpeople had to figure out a crude way to reproduce.

For many a great year, the Twelve Merpeople were stuck with their bodily heat, but did not know how to relieve it. The Twelve were six males and six females. The females were named Marienne, Kattina, Alecia, Aryssen, Bosey, and Clauphia. The males were named Dynenio, Tahlussus, Jenoanian, Orzfenniel, Jezebah, and Bylerix.

The Tweleve Merpeople frequently tried to fertilize the wombs of the six women, but were without success until just when fall was ending. Clauphia and Jenoanian had successfully gotten Clauphia pregnant. From then on, the Great Twelve and their descendants mated from the end of fall to the beginning of spring. It was taboo to mate outside of the Mating Season. This story is told whenever the Taboo is explained:

Melarus was outraged when She discovered Clauphia and Jenoanian's child, Refusius, decided to mate with his Mergirlfriend, the daughter of Kattina and Ozzfenniel, outside of Mating Season. Her name was Gerlyffia, and her hair was the purest color of gold the Merpeople had seen since they were above the waters of Atlanccio. Refusius had been entranced by her one midsummer's night, and they had sexual relations. During the act, Melarus used her powers to raise Refusius out of the water, which quite frightened Gerlyffia, to say the least. Melarus brought Refusius up to where she dwells, Franchik, as it is called by the Merpeople. To the Giants it is known as Arka, for the muggles it is Heaven, for the Fairies it's Neverland, for the magical folk it's Arkansas, and for Melarus Herself, she called it Sarcasmia.

Melarus disguised herself, for neither the Merpeople nor the Children of Melarus could see her in her true form, so disguised herself as a human, which Refusius had only seen once before. When he was a small Merchild, he disobeyed his parents' warnings, and he went very close to land. He there saw a beautiful woman lying on the sand, completely naked. He was entranced, but his father caught him and brought him back to the castle, where he was whipped. Refusius never dared go back to that beach, not until he was well aged, at least.

Refusius was thrown onto a sharp rock, and while he bled, the soft voice of Melarus floated through the air to his tender mortal ears.

'My child, has thee lost thy way? Does thee not know what Season it is?' Melarus said, approaching Refusius, who was frightened beyond belief.

'I do not know thee,' Refusius said, his back aching from the sharp rock. He could not move, as Melarus had bound him with her super magic skills. He could only see to his left, and above him, and Melarus approached from the right.

'Yes, in thy heart, thee does. Not until now has thee been acquainted with myself,' Melarus said, then used her powers to float him off the rock, and onto the sand of the beach they were on. He could not move, except for his head. Immediately, he turned and looked at Melarus, who had taken the form of a woman of great beauty. She had clothed herself with a light white dress, and wore no shoes. Which is strange, because she loves shoes. Refusius gasped at the sight of her, for even though she looked mortal, her beauty was obviously immortal.

'Why am I here?' he asked her as she stood before him.

'Has thee not guessed who I am?' Melarus asked, placing her hands on her hips. She knew he hadn't.

'No, I have not,' Refusius said, shaking his head slightly.

'I am the Great Melarus,' she said proudly. Refusius looked puzzled. Melarus smiled, then continued, 'Your people, the Merpeople, know me as Mereloca.'

Refusius gasped, 'Mereloca? Thee?'

Melarus nodded, 'Yes.'

'Why did thee bring me here?' he asked, more worried than before.

'Does thee not know what Season it is?' Melarus repeated herself, looking down upon the silly boy.

'Where is Gerlyffia?'

'Thou avoided my question! Does thee not know what Season it is?" Melarus repeated herself for the third time. She was getting angry. Suddenly, his face fell.

'Oh,' Refusius said, 'I did not have sexual relations with that Merwoman!'

'Liar' Melarus said, looking down upon the boy.

Melarus gave Refusius the punishment of not being able to feel any pleasure, but to have his lust get stronger day by day. He also could not produce any children. He only had one child, a boy, which was with Gerlyffia, as she became pregnant on that fateful night. The child's name was Arkellio, and he went on to become a great warrior.

After the encounter of Melarus and Refusius, Merpeople never mated during the wrong Season. And if they did, the next day they suddenly vanished. This happened to several Merpeople, and they were rumored to have been found on the beaches where Refusius had seen his first human, but shot in the groin with a muggle bullet.

You may notice that during the winter, the seas are more rough. That is because there is _quite_ a lot of business going down in the depths.

**Author's Note**: Just wanted to explain... This is a parody of _Harry Potter_ as well as _The Silmarillion_by J.R.R. Tolkien. His whole freaking book is written that way. Just wanted to let you know... Oh in Chapter Nine, there was a mention of how the mating of the Merpeople would be another chapter, and so here it is!


	15. Chapter 12

**Holy crap it's an Author's Note:**Melissa and I will be writing one chapter a day and posting it the day we write it. But since school starts tomorrow, it might not be possible or us to write a chapter _every _day (wooohooo! More homework now that we're frosh!) but we'll try to update as much as possible. We promise… maybe. lol no, we'll try. Now…

ON WITH THE STORY!

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**Chapter 12**

After they had looked for Harry in the castle for another hour, they returned to the common room. Everyone went to bed except Mariela (because she is very stubborn and was determined to find Harry), and Fred (because he's Fred and he's awesome.)

Mariela was thinking, and suddenly, well it actually took about 10 minutes, she had an idea. _Hey! My cell phone lists all the calls that have been made from it! _She thought. Mariela looked at the number most recently dialed; 666-6969. _Erm, odd number…_ she thought. She wrote it down with the intention of calling the next morning.

"We should get some sleep." She told Fred.

"Are you sure you want to _sleep_?" Fred asked with a perverted smile plastered on his face.

"Yes. I'm going to my room." Mariela said sternly.

"Ok…" Fred was obviously disappointed, but not too much because he could still dream. The pervert…

Anyways…

The next day, Mariela woke up at 6 even though it was a Saturday, which is really crazy, but there was a reason for her un-Mariela-ish behavior (the real Mariela/me does not wake up till around 12 on the weekends, unless her mother screams at her, teehee). After waking up and changing and all that jazz, she woke up the rest of the group (Melissa, Hermione, Ron, Fred, and George. Don't ask how I did it, it's a story and I can do whatever I want:oP). They all went down to the common room, which was empty, and Mariela took out her cell phone. She dialed the number she had written down.

"What are you doing?" Fred asked.

"Shhh, I'm on the phone!" Mariela replied. She smiled, "Hey Harry! Um, we're doing fine here… Where are you? **Sacramento**! Um, ok, we'll meet you there tomorrow I guess, since you don't want to come back…" Then she hung up. "Looks like we're going to Sacramento, you guys!"

Hermione looked at her like she was crazy, "We can't go to Sacramento!"

Melissa looked at Hermione, "Why not?"

"Because... We'll miss class!" Hermione practically screamed.

Fred looked at Hermione, who was now hysterical, "So what? God knows it'll only take you an hour to catch up with what we miss. You probably did it already."

"So what if I did? That's not the point. We _can't_ go to Sacramento!"

"No one else is complaining. Why don't we just go? It's for Harry, after all."

The beast was slain, "Fine. We better tell Ms Nakathing." Hermione sighed as they all went out the fat lady's portrait.

They reached the statue of the gargoyle dressed in drag, which led to the office.

Hermione frowned, "We don't know the password."

Mariela smiled a sly smile, "_We_ don't, but _I_ do… I eat crunchy babies." Mariela stated, and the gargoyle slid aside, revealing a staircase.

George laughed, "Nice password…"

"Let's go!" Melissa told them and they went up the staircase.

After talking to Ms Nakathing, who would do "Anything for my precious Harry!", they went out, Fred, George and Ron got the brooms and they all started their flight to Sacramento in the usual pairs (George with Hermione, Ron with Melissa, and Fred with Mariela). They were much smarter than Harry because they flew. Harry walked… haha.

They got to Sacramento after a few hours and Mariela called Harry to meet up. They agreed to meet at the capitol building and started walking.

After meeting many crazies (a crazy is one of those crazy homeless people) they reached the capitol building and there was Harry!

They immediately asked Harry why he left to Sacramento, "My cell phone was in trouble! I had to save it!"

Melissa stared at Harry, "Idiot! It's just low on batteries!"

"Oh, hehehe…"

They all agreed Harry had a problem, so Melissa called the people at St Mungo's who went and carted Harry away to help him and to charge his cell phone's battery.

Melissa looked around,"Hey! Now that we're on a little "vacation"… Why don't we go to San Francisco and do a little shopping?"

All the girls smiled and pulled out their ATM cards. The boys tried to get away, but Hermione caught them.

"Come on you guys! It'll be fun! And besides, we can do other stuff besides shopping!"

The boys grimly agreed, and they all set off to their new destination.

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Mwahahaha. San Francisco rocks socks. Review please!


	16. Chapter 13

**Ewww is that an Autho'rs Note: **Sorry for the wait... We hope you enjoy chapter treize. oui oui.

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**Chapter Thirteen**

"Oh look, it's raining pigeons!" George said, noting the huge flock of pigeons over their heads.

"Holy crap!" Hermione said before some crap fell on her head from a pigeon, which turned out to be some Holy Crap from the Holy Father of Pigeons. But that's another chapter...

"Okay, let's mount," Fred said, grinning.

"Okay," Mariela said, Fred then looked shocked and then smiled perversely. "No! Not like that! I didn't mean it like that!" George and Fred started roaring with laughter, and Melissa and Hermione stifled their giggles.

"Let's go," Melissa said after a moment.

They all climbed on the brooms, in the same pairings. After a while of flying towards their destination, San Francisco, they heard soft music playing.

"What is that!" Ron exclaimed, looking around hurriedly.

"It sounds like some... kind of... _clarinet_." Melissa said, making a face. Clarinets are horrible instruments. Flutes are much better. Anyway... then Melissa, Hermione, and Mariela all started screaming. Like, really screaming. Really _really_ screaming. For reals. Okay, you get it.

Below them was a vast number of hills, stretching to the horizon. But, they seemed to be moving! The hills were rippling and lurching and all the animals below them started freaking out as the hills interrupted them in the middle of a mating frenzy.

"Is it an earthquake?" Fred asked.

"No... it can't... we wouldn't notice it if it was an earthquake, I think," Melissa said, frowning slightly.

"They must be alive! To the sound... of... a musical instrument!" Hermione exclaimed.

"Are you saying the hills are alive to the sound of music?" George said, looking bewildered.

Suddenly, a huge gaping hole grew in the middle of a hill that had dead grass covering it. The clarinet music got louder and louder, getting more and more out of tune. Suddenly, a huge vacuum was created, and all of them felt themselves being sucked towards the hill. Suddenly, George fell off his broom, and was whooshed into the hill. Hermione screamed, and watched George screaming (like a girl) as he fell into the hole. She clung onto the broom, and then the clarinet music slowly faded. The hills stopped rolling about, and stood still.

They all softly landed upon one of the hills, and Hermione was shaking uncontrollably. "Has their thirst for blood been quenched? Has it?"

"Wait a minute... I recognize that clarinet music..." Melissa whispered. "That was Samantha! She must be following us! Why can't she just die!"

"Did we try killing her?" Fred asked, while hugging Hermione. (She was crying.)

"No... not yet, anyway," Mariela smiled. Melissa nodded.

"Samantha? Samantha? SAMANTHA! WHERE ARE YOU? WE KNOW YOU'RE HERE!" they all started screaming, but after trying for several minutes and gaining no response, the group decided to continue on their journey: with or without her.

"Why does she _always_ have to follow us?" Melissa whispered to Ron on the broom. He shook his head gravely.

When they landed on top of a skyscraper in San Francisco (by the way, no one noticed) they quickly took the MUNI over to Powell Street Station, and walked the two blocks to Union Square. When they reached the Square, they went to the landing where all the benches were... or if you will, the Square-ish part of the Square. Hermione, who had been sobbing into Melissa's brand new jacket up till now, decided she'd feel better if they went to the Louis Vuitton store. So, the group walked by past the Victoria's Secret (Fred winked at Mariela) and Macy's (Melissa wanted to look at shoes). When the group walked into the luxurious store, a man in a tuxedo greeted them.

Hermione gasped.

It was George!

"Greetings," he said with a polished American accent.

"George! How did you get here?" Hermione asked, smiling despite her tear stained face.

"It was the way of the buffalo," he said, still speaking American.

"Umm... right..." Mariela said, "Come with us."

"You want me to walk around in a bloody _tuxedo_?" George said, getting back to normal.

"Yes, we must take you to Bucky so he can cure you of Samallclarinitus," Melissa said, nodding very quickly. Ron nodded as well.

"Bucky? I'm not even going to ask. And where does miracle worker live?" George asked, stuffing his hands inside his trouser pockets.

"Well, Bucky lives in my locker... one of my friend's lockers... one of my enemy's lockers...which are both at school... he's possessing this really hot guy, too... butI suppose we could just go to the Berkeley BART Station," Melissa shrugged.

So, the group, reunited once again, took the long journey from the Powell Street MUNI Station to Embarcadero Station, and then switched to BART (Bay Area Rail Transportation) and took it to the Downtown Berkeley station.

"_Downtown Berkeley Station, Downtown Berkeley Station, This is a Richmond-bound train,_" a voice crackled through the wall speakers. The group got out of the subway train BART thing, and walked onto the platform.

"Melissa? Mariela?" someone called. Melissa and Mariela turned around, and saw their two muggle friends from pre-Hogwarts times. They didn't know Melissa and Mariela were witches.

"Katie? Katie?" Melissa said, looking at her two friends, who were both named Katie.

"Why do you have broomsticks?" the one with longer brown hair said, looking down at the crummy broom in Ron's hands.

"Where have you been?" the one with short curly hair shrieked. Melissa assumed she was on a sugar high.

"Oh, around," Melissa shrugged, then exchanged glances with Mariela.

"I recognize you..." the Katie with long brown hair said to Ron. "Where have I seen you?"

"I'm afraid I don't know you. Sorry," Ron said, quite taken aback.

"Oh my God..." the girl with the longer hair said, "These are people from Harry Potter!"

"I'm sorry, but Harry Potter did not happen to give birth to us," Fred said, getting annoyed by the two Harry Potter groupies.

"Holy crap! They are the people from the books!" Katie Short Haired said, reaching out to touch Ron's shoulder. He stepped back, extremely bewildered.

"Um, no they aren't. We gotta go now. Bye," Melissa said, then they all started running up out of the BART station. When they got to the top, they saw Bucky! He was floating over by a homeless man, looking at him to see if he was a druggie. Melissa shook her head.

"Buuuuckyyyyy!" she cried, and he turned around.

"Holy crap! BUCKY LIVES!" Katie Long Haired said, once she caught up to the group.

"We know Bucky lives, now leave us alone!" George said, pushing Katie Long Haired into the homeless man, who quickly ate her.

"Tasty," he whispered hoarsely, then looked at Katie Short Haired, who had just arrived.

Her eyes widened, and she quickly ran down into the BART station.

"Oops," George said, looking appalled a homeless man would eat an innocent little freshman.

"I'm gonna go get me another!" the homeless man said, before running down to BART to catch Katie Short Haired.

Yes, there was a huge funeral with people sobbing and the homeless man was locked up forever and they all lived sadly ever after. Everyone was devastated at the loss of the Harry Potter groupies, and especially the ferret.

Anyway...

The group all decided that they better go back to Hogwarts and defeat Samantha. Even if that meant Melissa and Mariela having a duel. Or jinxing her sunglasses.

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hope you liked


	17. Chapter 14

**A/N:** Hey peeps! Mariela here! Okies, sorry for the loooooooooong wait, but hey, better than never!  
Thx for all the reviews!

**O Charming 1: **Yes, our story is very "f00ny"

**ANGEL xx : **Here's the update! I love the Katies too, they're some of my bestest friends, and that's cool that your name is Katie!

**orangeokapi13 : **You were eaten first because… erm… you taste better than Katie L… Yea! That's why! cough cough

**Dark Syrinx : **Thanks, we try to update daily, but it's becoming about ever two or three days because of school.

Thx for the reviews!

Disclaimer: We do not own anything remotely associated with Harry Potter, or The Grudge. NOTHING!

Now… ON WITH THE STORY!

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**Chapter 14**

First, they were going to Pier 39. So they started walking… again. They soon came to a bronze statue of three sea lions, and it signaled the beginning of Pier 39.

Mariela loved Pier 39. "Let's go to the sock store!" She also loved socks.

"How about we don't?" Hermione proclaimed, rather meanly.

"Fine." Mariela kept quiet after that.

Melissa looked for a way to break the ice, "Why don't we take a ride on the ferry!"

"That's a great idea!" Mariela loved the ferry; she loves many things.

So they all went and bought ferry tickets, and they got on the ferry.

"Where do you guys want to go?" Mariela asked.

Fred thought for a moment, "Let's do something Muggle…"

"Let's go watch a movie!" Melissa exclaimed.

"Great idea!" Hermione loved watching movies.

"But which one?" Mariela started to think of any good movies that might be playing, which was hard because they had been at Hogwarts for almost two months now. "Let's just go and see which ones are playing, and choose then!"

The group went off to Jack London, and they watched _The Grudge_. When they exited, it was already 7:00 in the evening, and it was getting dark.

"That was a good movie, but we had better get back to Hogwarts now." George was the only one who was not afraid of the creeping darkness.

Mariela was really freaked out by the movie, and answered after a short silence. "Better than being caught out here in the dark."

Everyone agreed.

So off they went in their respective pairs, off to Hogwartsy Land! To get back, they had to fly over the Forbidden Forest. It was in this part of the treacherous journey when something odd, and totally unexpected happened! Fred, George and Ron lost control of their brooms! The group plummeted into the Forbidden Forest, and was separated on the way down. Miraculously, they all survived. But that doesn't mean they weren't in grave danger.

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Melissa opened her eyes. Darkness, everywhere she turned. She could feel Ron at her side, which was not very comforting because everyone knows that Ron is scared easily. 

"Ron!" She shook him.

"Ow!" he yelled, and held his hand. It was broken, and it was his wand hand too.

Melissa could see none of this, as everything was dark. "Ron, we have to find a way out of here!"

Ron agreed with Melissa and they started off in what seemed like the right direction. Slowly, there grew a light in front of them. They hurried towards the glow, and after a few minutes of tripping over roots, found themselves outside of the forest.

They turned to the left, and saw Hogwarts. They turned to the right, and there were George and Hermione! Everyone rejoiced and forgot about Fred and Mariela, who were still in the forest.

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It had taken Fred a few moments to gather himself, and to look around. He was not alone, Mariela was there with him, but he still had no idea of where they were in the forest. 

"There's someone else here." He heard Mariela whisper.

"What?" Fred didn't see, or feel anyone.

"Samantha! Come out! I know you're here! I can see your freakishly white skin!"

_Samantha is here?_ thought George. He looked and surely, he saw her.

"Dammit!" Samantha was enraged, and her voice was that of the Devil. "How do you always find me!"

Mariela smirked, "It's kind of hard to hide when you're always wearing bright blue _ugly_ sunglasses, and your skin is white as a newborn's butt!"

Samantha had been compared to a newborn's butt before and she didn't care, but no one could ever get away with insulting her precious sunglasses. "Well at least I'm not a MEXICAN!" she yelled.

That struck a nerve. Mariela strutted up to Samantha and b itch slapped her so hard, she fell to the ground.

Samantha had never been b itch slapped before. She got up, and brought her hand back to swipe back at Mariela, when something odd and unexpected happened!... For the second time!

A figure swept through the air and pushed Samantha brutally onto the cold, hard earth.

"Racism is baaad!" it yelled.

Mariela looked and saw that it was a centaur!

The centaur was rather good looking, and his muscles tensed as he stomped at Samantha. She yelled and ran off. Never to be seen again... for a while.

The centaur was very pleased. "Hello there human!"

Mariela was awed, and it took her a moment to speak, "H-hi! I'm Mariela! What's your name?"

"My name is Myrhard, but my friends call me Steve! I am the anti-racism centaur of greatness!"

"Ok then... nice to meet you Steve. Do you know how we can get out of this forest?"

"Why yes I do!" Come, I will show you the way!"

"Thank you Steve!"

Fred had not done anything since they had found Samantha. He just stood with his mouth opened wide in surprise. But he introduced himself as Steve led him and Mariela out of the forest, which had lost some of it's spookiness.

Mariela and Fred quickly got out of the forest thanks to Steve. They said good-bye, and Steve got very emotional. He cried and said that no one had ever accepted him for the anti-racism centaur he was until he met Fred and Mariela. They promised to see each other again, and Mariela and Fred went off on their way.

Ron, Melissa, George and Hermione had just remembered about Fred and Mariela when they saw them walking in their direction.

Melissa immediately called out "Mariela!"

"Oh my gosh, I never thought I would see you guys again!" Hermione yelled.

Everyone hugged and was happy, when suddenly!...

Samantha's figure appeared on the horizon.

"You didn't think it was that easy did you, Mariela!" She screamed.

Mariela turned to face her, George wanted everyone to ignore Samantha, but Mariela would not back down this time "Leave her to me." she said, through clenched teeth.

"No." Melissa stood her ground as the rest of the group stepped back. "Let me help. I hate her too." Mariela and Melissa faced Samantha.

She was getting closer, but she stood no chance. Melissa had a plan. She started to walk to the left as she spoke. "You always insult people Samantha, and lately, it's been too much. Everyone is tired of you and no one likes you."

Mariela looked to the left, and immediately started to help Melissa herd Samantha; who was really mad, and covered in bruises from the centaur stomping.

"I was always too smart for all of you. None of you will ever be able to be as great as me!" Samantha took some long strides to the left to stop Melissa and Mariela from getiing too close.

She had fallen into the trap. "Who's smart now." Mariela and Melissa unanimously stated, as the Whomping Willow swooped down its branches and grabbed Samanta.

The students turned away, but not seeing didn't mean that they couldn't hear Samantha's screams of pain...

pain

pain

and then it stopped.

Not one of them spoke as they walked back to Hogwarts.


	18. Chapter 15

**Buckyful Author's Note:** Major tears about this chapter... oh we dont own HP.

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**Chapter Fifteen**

At dinner, the group all stared at their plates. It had only been half a year, and Hogwarts was shutting down due to the death of the star student.

Ms. Nakathing stood up from her chair, and a hush came over the students. Her hair was extremely messy, and it looked like she either had a mental breakdown or had stayed up for a week straight.

"Students," she said in a sad voice, "As you all know, Miss Samantha Black was killed last evening in an unfortunate accident involving the Whomping Willow. Because of this, we are shutting down Hogwarts forever because without Samantha, what's the point of t-t-teach... teach... teaching?" Ms. Nakathing said, before collapsing back in her chair. Some of the other Professors got up and tried to bring her to consciousness, while the rest of the teachers looked quite pleased. No one liked Ms. Nakathing. The students looked around at each other. They all hated Samantha now, definitely.

"How could you all be so _cruel_?" Brigitte cried out, her face covered in tears.

"Shut up," Fred yelled across the Great Hall. She slumped back in her chair, and put her hands over her face.

"Did you hear they were lesbian lovers?" Ron said, looking up from his plate.

They all started vomiting, and screaming. Though not at the same time.

"Now, now, students. Don't think about that," Professor Mathieson had walked over to them, and flicked his wand at them. They all stopped and went back to normal.

"Is that why Harry was like that?" Hermione asked, looking around at them all.

"Maybe... Maybe he _saw_ them doing something, and it totally freaked him out," George said, shrugging.

"But then, why were we just cured and Harry couldn't be?" Melissa frowned.

"Because Harry's a moron," Mariela said. They all nodded, and finished their dinner.

Harry was definitely a moron.

**THE END**

**FIN**

**FINE**

**HET EIND**

**DAS ENDE**

**A EXTERMIDADE**

**NO REALLY**

**THIS IS THE END**

**GOOD BYE!**

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**GOOD NIGHT!**


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